Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
