I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
