I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
