I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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