Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Randomize
