this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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