i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
