i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
