my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
