just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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