We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
