there's paper in my vomit.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
