it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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