Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
