I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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