I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
