I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
