Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
