You're a womanizer and a bitch.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
