Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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