I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
