I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
