Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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