HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
