Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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