Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
