I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
