So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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