and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
