I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You need a sexual gate keeper
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
