i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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