just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
