so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
