Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
