This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
