just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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