I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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