hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
