Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
