ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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