my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
