I think I am morally bankrupt
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
