Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
