Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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