Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
