he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
