my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I deserve this hangover.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
