I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
