I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
