I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
