It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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