Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
