dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
