shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
