So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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